Captain Jack’s (or as I’m now told it’s called, Uncle Sam’s), is probably the classiest bar you’ll find in Hicksville without trying. Unlike a lot of bars that you go to, this one is clean, attractive, and relatively large. Of course now that I’ve told you you’ll probably come and mess it up. Thanks. Dick.

The main part of the bar is the bar itself, which is just long enough that you can avoid the ugly/loud people if you choose, and you will. This is very conducive to either social drinking or Leaving Las Vegas type indulgence. You will easily find both, which I like. I think of it as an all-purpose bar. Just got promoted to Head Bikini Inspector? Great! Let’s celebrate down at Jack’s! (or) Just found out that Hardcore Johnny is having sex with your girlfriend again? Bummer. Let’s drown our sorrows at Jack’s! See? All-fucking-purpose.

The back of the bar where you’ll probably come in after parking badly in the lot from the binge drinking you’ve already done in Long Beach, is it’s own section with tables and TV’s and such. It’s a great place to go if you want to play pool, darts, cards, or mousetrap over in the corner. You can also take in some of the fine programming on the TV’s. One shows COPS, and the other shows Chapelle’s Show. God help you if you try to change the channel. You’ll probably either get a Marine or a homeless guy threatening to rearrange your reproductive system. That’s just the way it goes, man.

The pool table, however, is general bar-expensive, and the dart board is strategically placed between both sections, so be prepared to impale a patron or two on his way to hump the jukebox. (This alone adds 50 points to the bar score). The juke’s got great tunes, by the way.

As for the alcohol selection, the have a few good beers, tons of liquor, and the highly qualified and oft-impaired staff actually knows what the Jesus you’re talking about. I swear these guys are good. You could make up a drink in your head right now and I guarantee they’d get it right.

“Hey, Cliff, can I have a…Language Barrier on the rocks? (Cliff assembles the drink) Holy shit, how’d you know it had battery acid and wonton soup in it?”

“I just had a a feeling, Drew, man…”

“You’re the fucking man, Cliff.”

Everybody that works there that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting is cool, so you better tip them plenty good! These guys actually earn it. As far as the patrons, well, it depends when you go. Luck of the draw. A lot of guys find there way there at the end of the week for aforementioned reason # 2, but sometimes you’ll find lots of under-aged girls. I wish you the best of luck,
sir.

So overall, aside from the bar’s proximity to nothing in particular, it’s a great place to go. On a scale from Atari Jaguar to Iron Maiden, I definitely give Apt. Jack’s six Muppet Shows. Go there, and tell them Drew sent you, so they won’t spit in your drink this time.

HARDCORE NOTE...Im taking suggestions on a rating system ... i dont even know where one muppet show fits between the Atari Jaguar and IRON MAIDEN ... i mean one muppet show is fairly close to Maiden right?