If you live in the better part of Nassau County and you've ever been bored to the point of looking into the Taco Bell across the street and wishing you were hungry so you had a place to go, be filled with joy! Take a few steps to your left, and you'll find yourself at Mr. Beery's, located behind the free classifieds outside of every neglected Guitar Center bathroom. If you've been to Beery's already, first let me congratulate you on weighing the possibility, but not actually deciding to ease into a warm bath one day and open your wrists. Here you will find plenty of company. The front entrance is usually well guarded by a few regulars. I'm told, by them, in sentence fragments and vague gestures that there are actually several of them the come in on a regular basis, but they must have worked out some kind of schedule so the scummy bar archetypes are always represented every night, but not redundantly. On any given evening, you can find Cowboy With no Hat, Female Diabetic Hulk Hogan, "I Used to be a Mechanic", and Firehouse's old/current guitar tech. They're usually good for a laugh and the philosophy, but god help you if you plan on playing darts. It won't be long before Female Diabetic Hulk Hogan comes over and accidentally fires your darts out the door in a drunken attempt to "show up her dead husband". Good grief. As for then rest of the patrons, Beery's usually gets it's fair share of under-age imbibers, I would figure probably Hofstra sophomores or maybe your average-looking but fun-when-she's-drunk sister. They seem to know they're one foolish Daria reference from being asked to leave my me, so they tend to stay in the back and out of sight of the owner (Mick Fleetwood) as much as possible. On a bonus note, the boyfriends of said girls tend to get really jealous that your parents had sex on time and you don't have to feel nervous ordering a third drink; the looks of frustration are enough for you to have a good laugh and maybe even finally buy your dad that beer when he gets out of jail. The girls aren't bad looking either, which means you don't have to second-guess the beer-goggle effect around 2:30am (I'm not entirely sure the place closes). As far as the hooch, they have hundreds of types of liquor and such behind the counter, though the staff always seems surprised when they actually find what you asked for. They are "known" obviously, for beer, though there aren't a whole lot of selections if, like me, you are a beer connoisseur. Don't mention Croxley's to Fleetwood or he'll give you that "buy something or I'll shit my pants and describe it to you" look. Generally you can find at least one good beer, and if you consider Bud/Miller/Coors to be good, I'm not sure that Hardcore Johnny or I would condescend to talk to you. On other notes, buybacks happen at an acceptable rate, smoking is allowed, and Naked Photo Hunt is only a quarter per play, one of the few reasons I find myself there with friends besides the bar's prox imity to their houses. I defy anyone to beat me and Reed's score. So overall, on a scale from That Burning Sensation to Knight Rider, I give Mr. Beery's four The Darknesses. Just make sure you have friends with you. You never know when the dirt people near the front will be recruiting.

HARDCORE NOTE...although I whole heartedly agree with drew that bud/miller/coors isn’t beer but in fact piss flavored yellow water, nothing beats a bud when you only have $2 in your pocket and if your one of those cretins... I mean wonderful people whose favorite beer is bud/miller/coors I would love for you to be my friend, come to my shows and buy my wonderful merchandise ....because I’m a shameless fuck.