What better way than to help promote my friends’ band than to give a review of the bar where they, the super rock power ensemble Almost Doesn’t Count, played the other night (and will again in June. $Go$See$Them$$) The gyp-joint place in question is Medisin(??), or Medicine, or the Ultrasound Lounge, or the White Power Emporium-whatever you wanna call it these days. It’s not really a gyp-joint, but it falls into the category of your typical Long Island bar that will occasionally house a few music “rock” bands (yessss..), but every other night during the week it’s a place for guys with leathery, baseball-gloved, tribal-tattooed skin to pick up and fuck underage girls.

The cover was reasonable. I paid only five bucks for showing some tits at the door, but after the guy stopped sweating profusely and collected himself, he told me to put them back in the plastic bag and just show me my i.d. Hey five bucks off for being over 21! Now I feel like I should get on the bus for less with all the other old bastards, as I’m on my way out-along with them.

I didn’t drink that night at the bar, as I don’t really drink that much at all. These days I get a sprite from the bartender and since I don’t really sleep I’m always loopy and tired so I’m basically drunk anyway. But if I were to have to review the alcoholic drinks there...I’d say they were nice. They never stole money or anything from me, so I think they deserve a promotion. Enjoy your Christmas bonus, you guys!!! Happy birthday, Jesus!!!

I’m not sure what type of crowd this place attracts during the rest of the week, besides my theories on the guys with the phat tribals n’ shit, but it seems to attract a younger crowd of people, particularly ladies. If i was the whoremaster of my youth, I’d probably have a philly on my lap while I’d watch A.D.C. rock the proverbial blitzkrieg out of proverbial occupied Poland so the proverbial allied forces could kick back and listen to some rip rockin and roaring (never rolling) tunes from proverbial yesteryear. But those days are gone, as are the nazis. Right? Besides, I have a thing for older ladies, these days. Rock n’ roar, motherfucker.

Anyway, the place seems nice. I had a crush on the brunette bartender that was dressed like a totally classy gal. Thigh highs and everything. Where’s my checkbook and stungun? I’m going back in June to ask her for some marriage and *$HAMELE$$ PROMOTION* to watch my friends Almost Doesn’t Count rock so hard that they’ll stop the overpopulation problem in the world by killing un-rockworthy folks off with blistering musical note-cality. Less people = more fun and parking spaces to be had, and shorter lines at the methadone clinic. I can only read the paper twice over when standing for so long. This barely had anything to do with bars. I like it.

HARDCORE NOTE...ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT Does not condone the use of the term "white power", Nazi's, the Blitzkrieg, violence against women or the mass Euthanasia of people who don’t rock. This review was written by a crazed fan who has no affiliation with Almost doesn't count or the Hardcore Johnny web site.